Wisdom gained in unlikely places

I can be pretty stuck in routines sometimes. These routines don't normally involve making my bed or cleaning the dishes right away, or anything productive. They're repeated patterns of wasted time, ruts, of shutting myself to what's going on and just coasting by with minimal effort. Every once in a while though, I come across something that makes me think and wake up for a minute. I should be actively trying to get the most out of every day, but I'm not. Maybe enough little moments will make me want to change the way my patterns are laid out.

So I was surfing facebook at work today (things are slow) and basically avoiding having to use my brain, and I came across an old friend's profile. Under the favorite quotes section, along with a couple corny lines and funny references, was a comment I'd made to him in class a year ago. It was just a sarcastic reply to the discussion going on, (I make too many sarcastic comments sometimes) but it surprised me. Most of the time I don't think of myself in the impact I have on the people around me. I tend to isolate myself, make myself invisible because I don't really care about what's going on around me. If I were to suddenly disappear, I often don't think many people would really notice. It may not be a profound revelation, but it's strange to think that I really do impact those around me, I'm not always just brushed off. Not always in major ways, but how I interact with others puts my whole 'survive until the next big event' mentality in a different light. Practically speaking, I'm not sure what I need to do about it other than not get burned out on everything, but at least I can try not to get as trapped in my avoidance of everything.

A lot of this, and other stuff I've posted on here isn't exactly flattering for me. I imagine someone who didn't know me reading this would get the impression that I'm whiny, depressive, and have absolutely no confidence in myself. While I do feel that way sometimes, it's definitely not representative of me. I'm very good at a lot of things. Better than many other people at a lot of them, even. I've certainly had a lot of good things happen to me, regardless of whether I deserved them. My problem is that I see everything too relatively to everything else. For the most part, I'm pretty conscious of my flaws, and they bother me. Not that I'm defined by them, just that I know they're there. I read an article this last week (sorry, can't find the link anymore) saying that people who lie to themselves are happier than those who are honest about their lives. I, for the most part, admit to myself what I'm doing and why, and that sometimes reflects in the way I act. I'm glad I have friends who can see past that. That's not to say I don't delude myself on plenty of issues and even know I'm doing it -- I see what's wrong with me, remember? Oh well. I know I'm growing, and I know I'm not alone.

Psalm 94:
¹⁸ When I said, "My foot is slipping,"
your love, O LORD, supported me.

¹⁹ When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Anyway, I do have plenty to do besides dump my insecurities on the internet, and I need to get things together so I can be gone for the weekend. I promise the next post won't be so serious. ;-)